New New Rose
by AccountClosedDueToHealth
Summary: Rose lets her Doctor go.


**Title: New New Rose**

**Summary: Rose lets her Doctor go.**

**Disclaimer: Summary and Title both suck, but I wasn't about to put 'Untitled' up there. **

**I'm not British, so I didn't even try to attempt the slang. Anything I've written that sounds British is a result of watching a lot of BBC TV shows.**

**Any and all errors belong to me.  
**

….

_John Smith is not my Doctor. They look a-like, they sound identical, they even feel similar, but they are not the same. John Smith is human, one heart. The Doctor would say that that makes him better._

_The Doctor always did have an inflated sense of pride for the human race._

_As for me… I don't know. I always thought the Doctor would be the best man in the universe. The only man, besides my father, to truly mean anything to me. Now I don't know what to think._

_He looks at me and those eyes are so young. The fire in them does not flicker, but burns with a passion. They show surprise and joy more freely than the time wearied orbs of my Doctor. The eyes of a Time Lord are bottomless; you could look into them for a lifetime and never find the soul behind them. It never takes me more than a few minutes to see the heart of John Smith revealed in his eyes. It is beautiful._

_I think those eyes are the greatest difference between John Smith and my Doctor._

_This man may have the Doctor's memories, but he has not lived them. I wonder if he suffers the way the Doctor did, weighted by those memories. Does he see the faces of people he lost when he closes his eyes? Haunting his dreams…?_

_My Doctor never slept, he told me once that the nightmares were almost too terrible to bear._

_John Smith is so full of life. I thought the Doctor was the most energetic person in the universe. I think I was wrong. When he first came to me, this man was cold and bitter. Now, now he is so human is makes me want to cry, shout, and laugh, all at the same time. It is incredible the way a warmed soul can exude energy. He smiles and no one can resist the urge to smile back. He laughs more than my Doctor._

_I think I have become addicted to that sound._

_He seems so happy here, with me. I wonder how that could even be when he has all those memories in his head. The Doctor was a true traveler at heart. The TARDIS was freedom for him. He loved the adventure of traipsing from one end of the universe to the other. From beginning to end, he wanted, almost _needed_, to see it all. The Doctor never sat still, even deep in thought he would pace or fidget._

_John Smith is content to sit here and hold my hand in silence for hours._

_He forgets things. He doesn't make a big deal about it, but the shock always shows on his face when he starts to talk about a planet or an alien race and finds he doesn't remember very much about it. He says the human mind was not meant to hold the memories of a nine hundred year old Time Lord. It leaks, according to him. He also said that if he had not been created directly from Gallifreyan DNA it probably would be a lot worse than minor memory loss._

_It made me wonder about Donna. I hope she is okay. I asked him, but he wouldn't tell me. I'd like to think that the Doctor would have answered me, but something tells me that he wouldn't have either. _

_I had become so used to the way the Doctor would react to certain situations, to his exploding enthusiasm and harsh disappointment. A single sentence could make the Doctor's day. A single act could cause him so much sorrow._

_In some ways John Smith is more reserved than the Doctor. My Doctor would have kicked a fit over some of the things we do here at Torchwood. John presents any objections quietly and they are astonishingly well received. He never tries to throw his weight around or bully the humans into right action with his years of experience and stunning intellect._

_They know he is not the Doctor, but they still hold him as an expert authority on all things alien. Sometimes I am glad they have never met the Doctor... I think they would have hated him. The Doctor, a true expert, they would despise. John Smith, brilliant eccentric, they love._

_It must be less intimidating, despite his large brain, to know that at the end of the day he's just like the rest of them: human._

_To my Doctor everything was so achingly black and white. If you proved to be the wrong sort, he would not hesitate to declare judgment. If you proved true, he would stand by you to the death. John Smith is human, he sees only gray. Some people may be a darker shade than others, but he seems determined to find the good in everyone and unlike the Doctor, he is never disappointed when he find a bit of the bad as well. He is still just as charismatic though. People like to please him. If it will make him happy for them to be 'good' they will do it._

_It has been one year since the Doctor gave me John Smith. At first I hated it, and maybe him. It was so hard to be with this man who had my Doctor's face. It got better, easier. He changed, maybe because I wanted him to, or maybe because he had to in order to survive in my world. Either way, he's different now._

_I think I love more him for it._

_I probably would have loved him even if he hadn't changed, because he was the last piece of my Doctor that I had left to cling to. That wouldn't have been fair-he was bound to love me no matter what, because the Doctor loved me. But now that he's different, not that I can see past the Doctor's face and into John Smith's soul, I can love him for who he is. I can love him for not being the Doctor._

_My Doctor is still out there and maybe he always will be. I am glad. I hate myself for having ever wanted- even if only for a moment-wanted to tie him down. To cage the Doctor would be to kill him. Some people were meant to be free. I was a stupid human girl to think that he would have given all that up for me. I was stupid to even think he could possibly be happy living like that. Limited by love. _

_He's not that human._

_I don't know how he does it. To me it would be like falling in love with a flower that withers in a day and holding onto that love for years after the flower is gone. I don't think I could stand to love something that fleeting so strongly. It would break me. It only seems to make him stronger.  
_

_But maybe it's more like sunrises than flowers and there is always the hope of a new one tomorrow._

_I just hope and pray he's not alone out there. He deserves all the happiness in our universe and his put together._

_Thank you so much for putting up with me all these years and listening to my rambling and moping about the Doctor. I know it had to have been hard, especially in those months immediately after Canary Warf. You weren't too fond of him in the beginning, but he grew on you as he did with everybody. To know the Doctor is to love the Doctor._

_Well, we've arrived safely in New York, John was determined to make up for all those times the Doctor promised me America and it didn't work out._

_I love you Mum, say hello to Dad for me,_

_Your darling Rose_

Rose signed the letter with flourish and folded it carefully before placing it in an envelope.

Her husband watched her with a warmth in this laughing brown eyes. "You know it probably would have been easier to send her an e-mail."

The blonde smiled. "I know, but mum has been rather distrustful of technology after the Daleks and Cybermen. I can't hardly get her near a computer."

John wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek. "Ah well, doesn't bother me in the least. It's all very human, this thing with the post. And paper, paper is very human. I mean, who would have an idea like that in the first place? Cutting down trees, ruining whole eco-systems just so you have something to write on. It's positively barbaric."

Rose laughed. "And yet you love it. Now, are you going to spend our entire honeymoon rambling? Or can I interest you in a more mutually entertaining activity?"

He grinned. "You are certainly more than welcome to try."


End file.
